Mourning Your Birth Experience

I sat and held my clients hand as she cried, recovering from her c-section as she said, "THIS was NOT in the plan." Many hearts were broken as plans changed over the past few days after a very difficult birth experience. I was so privileged and honored to stand by this woman as she powered through a very difficult and slow-going induction. She was inspirational and her strong character shined bright through her entire experience. Processing everything that just happened while sitting in the recovery room was hard. She did everything perfectly. She planned perfectly for her water birth. Every possible thing that she could try to do to have the best possible low intervention birth, she did. In the end, she cried and said, "I had every intervention imaginable."

Sometimes things go a certain way, no matter how much we prepare. Sometimes, for only reasons we can find out later (and some reasons that remain unknown), we encounter a problem, and we have to change direction. Ultimately, the whole purpose for this mama's birth plan was to have a healthy baby in the safest way possible. This baby's needs were different from his mother's original plan. Sometimes, that's a tough pill to swallow. This is a great example of how birth and the whole process is the beginning of a relationship- a relationship with two people with two sets of needs. This dynamic will continue so much during the course of time with parent and child: The mother will constantly try to help the child in the best way possible, and the child will constantly surprise her with something unexpected that was not in her plan.

In circumstances like this, I often work with the mother to help her heal emotionally from the experience she feels that she has lost. Part of how I do that is helping her recognize how much she did to prepare so that she can not look back and regret things she never tried. She cannot say, "I should have gone to the chiropractor more." Or, "I should have researched my doctor more." Or, "I should have lived a healthier lifestyle during my pregnancy." She worked hard, and gave her baby the best opportunities and he is here and alive and healthy because she made great choices.

It's ok to be sad and look at the experience you feel that you have lost. We need to always be aware of the desires in our heart and be honest with ourselves.It's also ok to recognize things you could have done differently. Every experience in life and parenthood is a learning experience. And no one expects you to do anything perfectly. But try not to over-do it on the self-bashing. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves as mothers. Instead of dwelling on wrong doings, or the shoulda-coulda-woulda's,  try to look at everything that you did right. Because of all of those things, you know that you gave your child the best. And they are blessed to have a mother like you.